["Dancing on My Own" by Robyn playing]
[sprays]
["Dancing on My Own" continues]
I did it!
Holy shit!
It…
was…
awesome.
Start from the top!
I walked into school this morning.
And then I see Colin Corwin.
-[screams] Yeah! -♪ Somebody said you got a new friend ♪
♪ Does she love you better than I can? ♪
Jill tastes like beef jerky.
[boys laughing]
[girls gasp]
[boys gasp and groan]
I see you told everyone how you begged me to suck face.
-Classy! -[girls exclaim] Ooh!
Sorry, Jill, but I'm not gonna be your boyfriend.
-[boys exclaim] Oh! -Don't flatter yourself, Colin Corwin.
I regretted you the second your sweaty slug lips touched mine.
[girls exclaim]
Hey, Jill, does your sister taste like beef jerky too,
or just… cancer?
-[boys and girls gasp] -[boy] Cold.
♪ I'm just gonna dance all night… ♪
-[Jill and Colin grunt] -Fight!
[boy and girls chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!
[screams]
[sobbing]
You're gonna be in so much trouble.
Mr. Corwin!
You cry like a little bitch.
[Colin sobs]
He asked if I tasted like cancer?
That's it?
I'd rather have cancer than cystic fibrosis.
Boys are just so embarrassing.
Well, congratulations. You're suspended.
Again.
-["Dancing on My Own" continues] -[both laughing]
[woman on TV] Welcome to the culinary motherland, San Francisco.
♪ I just gotta see it for myself ♪
♪ I'm in the corner Watching you kiss her ♪
♪ Oh ♪
[Jill] Turmeric.
Pistachio, fruit of the gods!
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ I'm giving it my all-- ♪
-[music stops] -[both screaming]
Back away, girls! Out of the way!
[Isabelle squeaks]
[Isabelle sighs]
[Dad] We shoulda had boys.
You see, the antibiotics aren't working as well as we'd hoped.
Hi.
Izzy, listen. It's Robyn.
-["Dancing on My Own" playing] -[gasps]
♪ On my own… ♪
-Ready? -Ready!
♪ On my own ♪
♪ So far away, but still so near… ♪
Do you really need to go out? It's your last New Year's with us.
I know.
It's also my last New Year's with my friends.
-I know. -Bye, love you!
-Be safe. -Mwah! Bye!
-[Mom] Love you. -♪ To say goodbye ♪
You ready?
-[woman] 15 minutes to midnight, bitches! -[partiers whooping]
-I'm sorry. I have gotta go. I can't… -[moaning]
-[moaning continues] -[electronic dance music playing]
[inhales, exhales]
[sighs]
-I'm so sorry. -No.
That was so fun.
["Dancing on My Own" by Robyn playing"]
-Sorry. Pardon me. Excuse me. -♪ I'm giving it my all ♪
♪ But I'm not the girl You're taking home… ♪
[Mom, Dad, Isabelle] Three, two, one!
-Happy New Year! -[whooping]
-[Jill yelling] -[all yelling]
-[blows] -[shouts]
I have my knife skills test tomorrow, and there's just no way for me
to make it in time and I am so, so sorry.
Holy sh…
[Isabelle] Don't worry, my lad.
Pretty soon, you'll be headed to the culinary motherland!
♪ Dancing on my own… ♪
He thought it was gonna happen in 2029, 30 years ago,
so if we can just…
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, you're looking at my eye.
-Your eye? What? -Yeah. I look like Sloth from The Goonies.
[both chuckle]
-No, you don't. -I know.
-No, you don't. -[Scott] Don't worry. It's…
It's just pink eye.
Well, I'm pretty sure pink eye is, like, super contagious.
No, that's just a common misconception.
No, really, I think it is.
Fake news made up by Big Pharma.
[laughs nervously]
[Scott] Trust me.
Your eyes, on the other hand, are super beautiful.
[tense music playing]
[automated voice] Your call has been forwarded to voicemail.
And then he smears butt particles all over my face.
My face is a butthole.
Call me tomorrow, please.
[laughs]
[song fades]
[alarm chiming]
[Jill] I'm up.
["Almost Happy" by Laces playing]
♪ I'm just young enough To be a little numb and dumb ♪
♪ Not sure how I feel But I'm sure I've seen enough ♪
♪ Enough that the world Would miss me a little ♪
♪ Would they say I-- ♪
-[music stops] -[coughing intensely]
[gags]
-[song resumes] -♪ Here we are, here we are ♪
♪ Here we are, here we are ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Here we are, here we are ♪
♪ It's like I'm almost happy ♪
[groans softly]
[song fades]
[dramatic classical music playing]
[cheering]
-[excited chatter] -[dramatic classical music continues]
[crowd screaming]
Bonjour!
Chef Bastien, who is your favorite chef?
Who is my favorite chef? That is easy.
It is ma mère.
She is so beautiful, she is dead.
Your performance on Top Chef changed my life.
Ow.
[music fades]
[Bastien] Geoffrey! Eyes on your cake!
-[man gasps] -Get!
Look at me. Don't look at me.
Look at me.
Never look at me!
[tense music playing]
Did you just look at me? Did you just make eye contact with me?
No, Chef.
-[both exhale] -[music fades]
-Oh! -[man grunts]
Maybe try saying "corner" next time.
[cooks laughing]
[sighs]
-You okay? -Yeah.
Eight hours deseeding and slicing kumquats?!
Culinary waterboarding.
[Jill] I can't even remember the last time I actually made anything,
other than my brekkie burrito.
All I do is measure, deseed, slice, and pray for the sweet release of death.
An AI robot could do my job better than me.
You were built for this, my dude.
Let a mofo know.
[groans]
I will let a mofo know I am homesick,
I'm almost out of savings, and there's nowhere for me to go
unless a baker quits or retires or dies.
All right, fine, you crazy son of a bitch.
I will fly to San Fran and murder one of the bakers with you.
How would we do it?
Well, obviously, we'd wrap my oxygen cord around his neck.
-Wow, you answered that so quickly. -[laughing]
Wait, speaking of lack of oxygen to the brain,
I'm getting drinks with Equinox Ethan tomorrow.
Isn't that the guy who thinks that babies can breathe underwater?
He's neurospicy.
Have a little healthy self-love, my guy.
Eh…
You've gotta get on Hinge.
It's amazing.
Except for the part where you feel like a hideous, unlovable troll
that might match with Ted Bundy.
-I've never been drier. -[Jill laughs]
I think I'd rather just live vicariously through you.
Perfect.
-Hello? -Yeah. I'm here.
-Hi. -No…
I have to tell you something. Don't freak out.
What?
[sniffles, sighs]
Test results came back.
-Why didn't you call me? -I literally just did.
They're, uh… listing me for a lung transplant.
It's lookin' pretty dire. [laughs sadly]
They don't know what they're talking about.
I mean, they've been wrong every single step of the way.
You're fine, because…
Because you're a superhero. Have they still not figured that out yet?
Yeah, I guess not.
-Tsk. I'm gonna come home. -No.
-I'll look up flights now. -No.
It's not because of the results. I miss you. I need to see you.
You're gonna be home in three weeks for turkey.
-For the weekend. -If you do, I will kick you in the tit.
You'll never make baker if you fly home every time they give us shit news.
-No, I'm-- -You are being so dramatic.
-I'm not being dramatic! -This is not A Walk to Remember.
But is it A Fault in Our Stars?
[chuckles]
Shailene would def play me in my biopic.
-But no. -Okay, fine.
But I'll see you in three weeks. Turkey!
Jill?
Yes, my lad?
[poignant music playing]
You're the most lovable person I've ever known.
If you're a bird, I'm a bird, brother.
Call me tomorrow?
Night.
Good night.
[sniffles]
[inhales, exhales]
Jill, look, I want to be absolutely translucent.
-"Transparent"? -That too.
Uh, listen, I am down to, like, hang,
but not for anything, like, intense.
-[inhales] Oh… -But I am 100% committed to--
Penetration?
Yes!
Oh, my God, yes. Yeah. We are, like, on the same wavelength.
We are just over here, finishing each other's--
-Minds! -[indistinct chatter]
[cell phone buzzing]
I'm gonna take this.
[ominous music playing]
[Mom on recording] Jill, honey, you need to come home right now.
-Call me when you get this. -[gasps]
[somber music playing]
[Jill] Mom, I'm here. What's going on? How is she?
-Talk to me. What's going on? -[medical staff chattering indistinctly]
-What are they saying? -She crashed suddenly.
Okay.
Her oxygen levels dropped.
She didn't make it.
Izzy didn't make it.
Okay. What are they saying?
Jill, honey…
Mom, where is she?
She didn't make it, honey.
I'm here. Where is she?
Where is she?
-Jill, honey… -Where is she?
-Jill. -Izzy?
["To Build A Home" by The Cinematic Orchestra playing]
[Jill] Izzy was dealt…
a bullshit hand.
["To Build A Home" continues softly]
But she never ever complained.
She was beyond that.
[laughs] And she believed in angels and fate.
In an "order" of things.
I think she would have really loved Burning Man.
[inhales, exhales]
So, um… today,
rather than eviscerating this…
order of things that I don't understand,
um, I'm gonna try my best.
I'm gonna try my best to make lemonade, like Izzy.
And Beyoncé.
[sighs]
Isabelle could have been alive a thousand years ago,
or a thousand years from now,
but what are the chances that in all of time, space, humanity,
she was alive with us, right?
With me.
How lucky are we? And not only did she and I meet.
[Jill sobs softly]
But…
[voice breaks] But we got to eat pancakes.
We got to… wiggle out our little baby teeth together.
We got to paint each other's toenails.
[inhales sharply, laughs sadly]
We got to be sisters.
-["To Build A Home" continues] -♪ Built a home ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ Until it disappeared ♪
♪ From me ♪
♪ From you ♪
[Izzy on recording] My brother in Christ. We miss you on Whore Island.
[laughs]
My brother in Christ. We miss you on Whore Island.
Don't forget. You're more beautiful than Cinderella.
You smell like pine needles, and you have a face like sunshine.
When I look at you, my heart is filled with purple and pink fireworks.
Be ungovernable.
You gotta flop to fly.
We could open a chowder spot and call it "Bisquey Business."
I just drank all of Mom's rosé and DMed Jacob Elordi.
Maybe he'll think I'm a Make-a-Wish kid. [laughs]
Good night, lad. I love you.
Call me.
[song fades]
[ship horns blowing distantly]
[laughs]
[line dialing]
[cell phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
Who is that?
I don't know. I just got a new work cell.
[laughing] Yo, Isabella!
It is I, your brother.
I'm sitting here at my bench.
I'm looking out at the Golden Gate Bridge. It's a beautiful night.
I'm drinking champagne…
out of a brown paper bag,
and I am missing you.
Oh, my God, I hate this place.
Where are our weirdos, man?
You know, I thought SF was gonna be full of rock-and-roll hippies in drag
who love pot and Journey and burritos.
But where the hell is the José's here? Where are the…?
[shouting] And whose dick do I have to suck
to get a breakfast taco around here?!
I love you, brother.
You are such a bitch for leaving before I could tell you that.
[door opens]
We need to talk about boundaries.
[ethereal music playing]
-Good night, Arthur. See you tomorrow. -Good night, see ya.
-Hey, Jill? -Yeah?
You wanna grab a drink?
So, that was a sorta long-ass vacation you took, Jill.
Oh, my sister sorta…
died.
-Dang. -Yeah.
Jill, that is hella sad.
Thanks, yeah. So how have you been?
-Amazing. Life is just… perfect. -[indistinct chatter]
Everything is working for me, Jill. Everything is exactly where it should be.
How are you?
-I'm done, Wes. -[chatter continues]
-With your cider, or…? -With us.
What? We're just getting to know each other.
You've been inside of me for six months.
Pastries, baking, it's a chick thing, traditionally.
But that's so sexist, right?
Because I can do anything my mom can do.
[coughs]
I am trying to hold space for your brokenness.
But I deserve secure attachment,
not someone who love bombs me like I'm on The Bachelor,
and then the moment that I catch feels brings me to Buffalo Wild Wings.
-You said you liked wings. -I lied!
[chatter stops]
Excuse me, can I get one of those? Thank you so much.
[Jill and Arthur] Cheers!
[upbeat music plays, stops]
God, you're so beautiful.
You're like easily a 6.5.
Like, an SF 6.5, a Kansas ten.
-Do you want another shot? -Can we get… one more of those?
[Brittani] I just wanna hear you say it, Wes.
You don't know how to love.
-That's… No. I don't think that-- Britt. -[whimsical music playing]
-Britt, listen. Hey, stop. -Stop.
I'm sorry. I can't claim to understand
all the ways that my trauma has affected me,
but I know that…
I'm genuinely sorry.
["Joyride" by Kesha playing]
♪ Are you a man? 'Cause I'm a bitch ♪
You're strong.
[Brittani] You've been a bad boy.
-[song stops] -[Arthur moaning]
-Don't touch my hair. -Okay. Sorry.
-[song resumes] -♪ Joyride ♪
-[Brittani exclaims]
♪ I'm just looking for a good time ♪
-[song stops] -Tell me everything's gonna be okay.
[breathing heavily]
Everything's gonna be okay.
-[Arthur moans] -Hm?
Say it again.
No, I can't. I…
To be honest, I don't…
Between climate change and the unraveling of democracy,
I don't really think that everything is…
-[song resumes] -[Brittani grunting]
[Brittani grunting and growling]
-Tell me. -Everything's gonna be okay.
-[screams] -[grunts]
[moaning loudly]
-[groaning] Oh! -[sighs contentedly]
-[laughing] -[sighs]
[inhales sharply]
[cries]
Sorry.
♪ Joyride ♪
[song ends]
What's up, babe?
Hey.
So, I cannot stop thinking about last night.
Oh!
Yeah. I got several noise complaints.
Did you?
What do you say tonight…
my bear claw goes in your croissant?
-No. -[laughing]
No. No, you can't handle this.
-[scoffs] -[Arthur laughs]
No? Isn't…?
-Hey. -I feel sick.
No, I'm sorry.
No, it's good. I'm good. We're good, 'kay?
-Okay. -Jill.
I'm cool.
Cool as a kumquat.
You used me like a human dildo.
And you kicked me to the curb.
-What are you talking about? -I'm talking about what you did.
-What I did? I-- -You're… You gaslit me.
And you're gonna regret it.
["Walking at a Downtown Pace" by Parquet Courts playing]
Um…
♪ I've found a reason to exist ♪
♪ Begging not to go extinct ♪
-♪ Do what you saw ♪ -[inaudible dialogue]
[Wes] Fefe, I got you a triple-shot latte to thank you.
Shh! That was the last time, Wes.
It's a felony.
Reading texts?
Hacking someone's texts for insider info to sell commercial real estate?
-Yes, a felony. -I don't--
In all 50 states.
Including Idaho, where cannibalism is legal.
I'm out, Wes.
You're gonna have to stalk people the same way as everyone else.
Instagram.
All right, no, I see the play.
I will pay you double
and then you can buy yourself more sweater vests or Pokémon cards or--
Pokémon?
You know what? I'm done being your little hacker boy.
So you can take your lattes and your shiny teeth back upstairs.
Okay. All right. Understood.
[employees chattering]
I appreciate you, Fefe.
[man] Uh, he's in a meeting right now. Can I take a message?
Okay, sure. Just call back.
It's Felix!
[indistinct chatter]
[upbeat music playing over speakers]
Oh, my God. You went on that date with the guy with the pink eye.
-[laughs] Yeah, that's me. -[laughs]
It's been weeks, I bet his eye's healed.
Maybe I should hit him up for a second date?
No, that was a joke. I'm actually on a… dick cleanse.
A D-tox, if you will. Patiently awaiting my gay awakening.
-Did you know what you wanted? -I'll have a mocha to go. Please. Thanks.
Ever been stood up?
-Oh, are you talking to me? -I overheard your conversation.
[Jill] Oh, great.
Have I been stood up?
Actually, no.
So… I still have that to look forward to.
Well, I have you beat, then.
I am currently being stood up.
-On a day date? -Yeah.
Yikes.
Yikes is right.
Sorry.
Would you maybe want to join me?
Please. I don't think my fragile male ego could handle another rejection today.
[chuckles]
Um, what's your name?
Tyler Riordan.
Jill Shaw.
-Lady Shaw. -Thanks.
Tyler Riordan sounds so familiar. Are you a tech founder?
Not smart enough.
Actor?
Hmph! Not pretty enough.
Oh, you're not pretty enough?
Okay. So you're an influencer.
-The irony is palpable. -[gasps]
Wait.
You have the, um, dating podcast.
You're the dating guy. [gasps]
Hi! Nice to meet you, Tyler Riordan.
Oh, my God.
Tyler, my phone died, and I had to find my way back from the East Bay.
I completely raw-dogged it with my mind.
No worries. I ran into a friend.
-Yes. -Mm-hmm.
Well, nice to see you, friend. Have a seat.
No, no, no. We can get another table.
No, no, no, please. Please sit.
[laughs awkwardly] Um, I'm just gonna grab my stuff.
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
Take your seat. I've warmed it up for you.
-I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna… Yeah. -Yeah.
[Jill] Cool. Bye.
Jill!
[Jill] Hi.
I figured I could let you leave. Then I'd have to go home,
get on Craigslist, and write a post on Missed Connections. Very early 2000s.
[both laugh]
Or I could just run out on my date,
chase you down the street, and ask you for your number,
which now that I say it out loud…
uh, maybe Craigslist was the move.
[hopeful music playing]
I'm swearing off men, remember?
-The whole D-tox thing, so… -Yes. D-toxing. Right.
I can't.
-Nice to meet you. -Well, how about I give you my number?
[music fades]
Okay.
[Tyler chuckles]
[cell phone buzzing]
[sighs]
[buzzing continues]
[cell phone chimes]
[Jill on recording] Izzy? [laughs]
-[shrieks] -[laughs softly]
[Jill inhales sharply] You're not gonna believe this.
It was some Notting Hill, frickin' Bridget Jones shit.
-Please get ready. -[laughs softly]
You know what he was?
He was Bri-hi-ti-hish
from foggy London town.
Actually, I don't know if he was from London, but I'm gonna pause
so that you can finish masturbating.
[laughs out loud]
[auspicious music playing]
-[knocking on door] -[music fades]
Good work, Wes.
Thank you, sir.
-[Jim] Close her up. -You got it.
All right.
[whispers] Jill.
Hey, psst!
[mouths] Fuck you.
[Bastien] Line up!
[tense pensive music playing]
I have a little bit of a puzzle.
Zella, Bastien à la crème.
What are the ingredients?
All-purpose flour, almond flour, powdered and granulated sugar, whole egg,
cream, unsalted butter, vanilla bean, and salt, Chef.
Did you say "human hair"?
[Zella] No, I did not, Chef.
[Bastien] That puts me in a real snickerdoodle. [snickers]
[music crescendos]
Oh, now, wait a second.
Kirby, why do I see
one of your radioactive Chucky-doll pubes in my tart?
That is not mine.
That's not yours?
Right there, on the little titty… part.
-No. -No?
Oh, did Little Orphan Annie come into my kitchen last night
and shed her ginger ass on this tart?
I don't know.
-You don't know? -[Kirby] Mm-mm.
[music turns dramatic]
[Jill] It was so unhinged, my dude.
But…
there is a silver lining.
Or shall I say a ginger lining?
[laughs] Damn, Jilleth. I know. Too soon.
Look, I take no pleasure in saying this,
but the baker position is now open!
[yells]
Finally!
[Jill and Tyler laugh]
But what are the qualifications to host a podcast?
-Qualifications? -Yes.
-There are none. -Really?
-Thought so. -I'm virtually skill-less.
I just think that the dating game has gotten somewhat toxic.
I don't know, it's going great for me.
Haven't been murdered yet.
Well, the night is young.
[both laugh]
[indistinct chatter]
Tell me about your work, Chef.
Well, I don't want to flex on you too hard, but, uh…
I am the kumquat girl of Flâner.
-Oh, wow. -Yeah.
-I'm impressed. -Mm-hm.
Though I'm not entirely sure what a kumquat is.
They're like very tiny, very annoying oranges.
-[Tyler] Ah. -And I am their leader.
[R&B music playing over speakers]
Yes. Wait.
Flâner? Isn't that the fellow from Top Chef?
Chef Bastien. I'm currently in a battle to the death to become his new baker,
in the hopes that, one day, I do actually get to bake.
Well, take no prisoners, kumquat girl.
[laughs]
-Thank you so much. -[Tyler] Thank you.
[waitress] Of course.
So how are the fish and chips compared to back home?
Not bad, actually.
Yeah? I've never been to England.
It's amazing.
I'll have to take you.
["Hey Daddy" by Usher playing]
♪ Daddy's home ♪
♪ Home for me ♪
♪ And I know you've been Waiting for this loving all day ♪
♪ You know your daddy's home ♪
-♪ Daddy's home ♪ -♪ And it's time to play ♪
-♪ It's time to play ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪
♪ So you ain't got to Give my loving away ♪
[Jill] Mm!
♪ So all my ladies say hey, hey Hey, daddy-- ♪
-[song stops] -[coughs]
[both moaning softly]
-Okay, you gotta go. -[exhales]
-You have to go. Get up. -What?
-Now? -Yep, right now.
-Okay. -That's all your stuff. Yep. Come on!
-Was it something that I did? -Hurry!
-No. Go! -No problem.
Well, I had a great time.
-Bye. -Bye.
[exclaims softly]
Come on.
I didn't think I could do it, but I did it!
-Come on. Call. -[line dialing]
[automated voice] Please record your message.
Hello, Izzy.
I would like to tell you something,
that it was very, very, very, very, very, very close,
but I kept it in my pants,
because my body is a sacred temple,
and my vagina is a secret garden.
-I… I am Jillothene Shaw! -[dramatic music playing]
Resistor of desires of the flesh, almighty tamer of sexual demons!
-I am Jill! -[music crescendos, stops]
[Jill screams]
I left my wallet.
Help.
I promise I barely heard anything.
[Jill] Oh, my God.
[Tyler] I do have one question though.
[Jill whimpers]
What was that about a secret garden?
God damn it.
[Jill exhales sharply]
-[Jill screams on recording] -[Tyler] I left my wallet.
-No! No, Jill, no! -[Jill] Oh, my God.
God, lock your door, Jill.
You don't lock your door?
-[Tyler] Promise I barely heard anything. -Oh, God.
[exhales]
They're probably hooking up right now. They're definitely hooking up. [laughs]
Well, whatever.
He probably has terrible teeth.
[upbeat music playing]
No text. Hm.
[music fades]
Okay.
Don't be crazy. You're being crazy.
[Tyler on podcast] Ladies, save yourself the heartache.
If he's not texting you, he doesn't want to talk to you.
Truth is so important. We all need to get…
What?
Check.
[muffled scream]
[yells]
[gentle music playing]
[chuckles]
Good night, Izzy.
[Izzy] Good night, lad.
I love you.
[music fades]
I love you too.
Okay, you know as best man that you have to give a speech, right?
-[indistinct chatter] -[Andy and Breeda] He didn't.
-Oh, come on. I knew that. -[Breeda] No idea.
I knew that. You guys think so little of me.
We do not. We think very highly of you, but I should write it.
And after much deliberation…
-Yeah? -…we're giving you a plus-one.
-Yes! -[Breeda] But…
You do not get to bring an influencer whose actual name you do not know.
I knew her name.
-You didn't know her name. -Not at all.
You're talking about Lu, right?
Lonestar Lu?
-Lonestar Lu was her handle. -[Andy] Mm-hm.
-Her name was Keilani. -[mellow music playing over speakers]
I mean, that's just confusing branding.
-Bye. -Go.
-Beat it. -Really?
-Yes. -You can't sit with us.
-You cannot. -Are you serious?
[Andy] Oh, look, open table. Just for you.
Okay, fine.
-Fine. I'm walking over here. -Fine.
-Bye. -I'll enjoy my tacos alone.
Yeah, enjoy.
[groans]
-You know what your problem is? -[Wes] Huh?
You're sad-boy deadly.
-Yeah. -It's your eyes.
Every girl thinks you're a wounded puppy, and you have no idea how gorgeous you are.
-But you're not sad. He's not sad. -Mm-mm. No, he's not.
-And he knows exactly how gorgeous he is. -What?
You think I'm gorgeous, Breeds?
-You think he's gorgeous? -[cell rings]
-Wait. -[Breeda] I mean…
Now he has two phones to use for evil.
[Breeda] Oh, great.
No. Okay, so this random girl has been leaving voicemails on my new work cell,
and they're for her sister.
-And they're, like, kinda hilarious. -[Breeda] Wait.
How does she not know that her sister changed her number?
-Text her. -[Wes] I thought I did.
I'm gonna just see what's happening with the douchecaster real quick.
-Douchecaster? -Douchecaster?
Guess who's officially being ghosted by a Hitch wannabe.
[chuckles] I am.
And I am never gonna make baker
because, um, I boned the competition
and now he's out to destroy my life, which rocks.
Um, so, yeah.
I'm, uh…
I'm just calling you to ask…
how…
am I supposed to do this without you?
[poignant music playing]
We were supposed to die together.
We made a deal.
Like Noah and Allie in The Notebook.
"You're a bird, I'm a bird," you whore.
"I wish I knew how to quit you."
Okay, I'll stop.
You're in a better place.
Probably slurping face with Heath Ledger as we speak, huh?
But I miss you.
My lad.
Every minute…
of every single day.
This party sucks without you.
Call me?
[poignant music continues]
[Wes] Isabelle's dead. They're…
They're voicemails for her dead sister.
-What? -What?
-Oh, my God, that's heartbreaking. -Uh…
You gotta tell her.
-Now you're a sicko. -No, no, no, do not tell her.
She's healing. This is her way of healing.
[Andy] Just stop listening to her like a creeper, then.
[Breeda] Yeah, maybe stop listening to her like a creeper, then.
You tell him you no longer want to invest in something that isn't going anywhere.
You shut your whore mouth when you talk!
-[Jim] Wes. -Hey! Hey, Jim.
Red River closed?
-Yes, sir. -Very nice.
What's next?
Hey, is Donovan still slipping on that San Fran spot?
-[snickers] -He goes, "Jill, this is exciting."
I shit you not, those were his final words to me.
He has no… soul!
I must protect womankind!
Well, guess what?
[chortles]
Love, Not Actually has a live podcast taping… tomorrow!
And I know, if you were here, I know what you would say.
You would say,
in the immortal words of our queen,
Michelle Obama, esquire,
"When they go low…"
-"We go high." -"…we go lower!"
Okay.
["Electric Love" by BØRNS playing]
-♪ Candy ♪ -[lively chatter]
♪ She's sweet like candy in my veins ♪
♪ Baby, I'm dying for another taste ♪
[chatter stops]
♪ And every night My mind is running around her… ♪
[clears throat]
Excited for the… show.
Thank you.
Oh! I'm so-- Did I step on your foot? I'm so sorry about that. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-So sorry. -No, it's okay.
-[chatter resumes] -♪ I can't let you go now that I got it ♪
♪ And all I need is to be struck ♪
♪ By your electric love… ♪
Is that okay?
Perfect.
♪ Baby, your electric-- ♪
-[song stops] -[women screaming and cheering]
[sensual theme music playing]
Thank you all for coming.
Looking gorgeous as ever, I see.
And we're going live.
Hi there.
[cheering]
Well…
-What should we talk about, ladies? -[women laughing]
I am at your disposal.
-Now, who wants to kick us off? -[mouths] Oh, my God.
Me!
[Tyler] Yes, in the Giants hat.
[Jill] Thank you.
Hey, Tyler. I'm a huge fan.
My favorite episode is the one about dating with accountability.
[women exclaiming]
It's a good one, right? But I had a quick question about that.
Accountability, that's only expected
of us lovelorn, pathetic, desperate ladies, correct?
Fellas get a free pass to, say, I don't know,
like, hypothetically speaking,
talk about bringing you home to England, get you naked, vanish out of thin air
without even a text saying, "I'm alive, but no thank you"?
[woman coughs]
Um, well, uh, this pod is designed for, uh, women
to navigate the perils of the dating world.
Oh!
Okay, well, thanks to you, Tyler,
I've come face-to-face with the perils of the dating world!
[laughs]
Here's my little bit of "proactive dating advice"
to you ladies.
If it looks like a duck
and it swims like a duck,
it's probably just a bargain-bin, Hugh Grant fuckboy with a podcast.
["Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches playing]
-So… -[song stops]
I'm gonna just, um… see myself out.
I'll give this to you. Thank you, excuse me. I'm sorry.
-[song resumes] -♪ Boys wanna be her ♪
♪ Girls wanna be her ♪
♪ Boys wanna be her ♪
♪ I wanna be her… ♪
Well, um…
What is testimony without a test?
What is accountability without an account?
I'm sorry. I'm… Excuse me.
["Boys Wanna Be Her" continues]
[Tyler] Uh, communication is key.
-Proactive dating isn't about perfection. -[exhales]
-[Tyler] It's about progress. -[song fades]
[woman] What?
"If it looks like a duck and swims like a duck,
it's probably just a Hugh Can't with a podcast." [whoops]
At first it got very, very quiet, and then they were like… [whoops]
[chuckles, sighs]
Wow.
Another one bites the dust.
Oh, there's this, um, cute deli at the bus stop
at my bench at Battery Spencer.
I got my salami on sourdough with spicy mustard.
Mmm-mmm.
[birds twittering]
["Marjorie" by Taylor Swift playing]
You're gonna tell me that this is dumb, but whatever.
I have this…
stupid fantasy that…
someone's gonna come and sit down next to me like I'm Meg Ryan.
And we start talking about our days and the weather,
which makes no sense, 'cause it's always foggy.
Maybe I offer him half my sandwich…
and we lock eyes and it happens. We just know.
In our bones, like how birds know when a storm is coming.
How do they do that?
[laughs]
And we can't even play it cool,
because there's nothing cool about what we feel.
It's desperate and all-consuming and really scary,
but we're in it together.
That could happen, right?
Says the girl who can't even get a text back.
[exhales deeply]
I'm sharing this with you, my lad.
-[squawks] -[gasps]
["Marjorie" continues]
♪ And if I didn't know better ♪
♪ I'd think you were listening to me now ♪
♪ If I didn't know better ♪
♪ I'd think you were still around ♪
♪ What died didn't stay dead ♪
♪ You're alive, so alive ♪
Sorry, is this… Is this seat taken?
-[song fades] -[Wes sighs]
It's beautiful.
[ship horns blowing distantly]
[Jill] Mm-hm.
-I'm Wes. -Hm!
I'm Jill.
Jill.
Nice to meet you, Jill.
Well, enjoy the view.
Uh… wait.
Um…
I have to tell you something.
You have to tell me something?
Um, I… I am here… uh, in San Francisco…
for, um…
for, uh… for work,
and I…
I just…
just get…
-I wanted to get a few recs from a local. -Oh!
Did you just have a stroke?
Do you smell burnt toast?
[both laugh]
Gosh. I don't know. I'm not a local, by the way.
I've been here a year, so I guess, technically,
but I have not cracked the code of this city.
God damn it, she's a tough nut to crack. Sorry.
Well, what's your favorite thing to do here?
You're looking at it.
Wow. Then I'm off to a good start, huh?
Jeez. [chuckles]
-What? -[laughing]
You're rolling in here with all this like…
[laughs] What is that?
That is why I have to bid you good night and good luck.
I'm closed for business.
Not that I even had any business, or that men…
Men are not my business. Zero judgment.
Love and light to the girlies selling feet pics online.
I tried, but someone said my toes look like ugly fingers,
so I chop… fruit now.
-Should we start over? -Yes, please.
Okay, I'm Wes.
And, uh…
I'm visiting.
I'm Jill.
And I'm boy sober.
Oh, okay.
Nice to meet you.
[Wes] Nice to meet you.
Oh, uh…
Do you think…
you could just point me in the direction of some breakfast tacos?
[hopeful music playing]
-It ain't José's, but it ain't half-bad. -What?
-You know José's? -Oh, yeah.
-José's is my favorite. -José's is my favorite.
So you really are from Tejas, huh?
-Yes, ma'am. -[chuckles]
So, could you just give me like an opening line
or a thesis statement?
You don't need help from a stranger. These are your best friends.
I'm not sure that I believe in the whole, uh, marriage thing.
Ah, so let me guess.
[Spanish song playing over speakers]
-Your parents are divorced. -[both chuckle]
-Very, very astute. -Am I right?
Yeah, they probably would be if my mom were still alive.
I am so sorry.
No, it's… I was little.
-Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. -No, it's okay. It's really okay.
[inhales deeply]
You don't want a first line from me.
[laughs nervously]
I've been told that I suffer from a severe case of TMI.
No great speech started with a filter.
Um…
What are their names?
Breeda and Andy.
-Breeda and Andy. -Mm-hm.
"You have made a believer out of me."
Holy shit.
-See? I knew it. -Well, don't say it if it's not true.
You don't wanna kick off their union in a bed of lies.
-Cross my heart and hope to die. -Don't hope that.
I won't. I--
I won't hope that.
-Thank you. -So, uh, real estate, huh?
-Yeah, yeah. -Do you have a fancy metal nameplate?
-Why else would I be doing this? -Living the corporate daddy dream.
Yeah, that's right. I mean, it has its perks.
But, uh, I got my eye on something. I'm playing the long game.
What kind of something?
Let's just say, I keep my cards close.
What about you?
What's the dream?
I'm living the "it's a good day if I'm not being publicly humiliated…" dream.
-[Wes laughs] -[chuckles]
-That can't be the dream! -Well, dreams are so short-sighted.
When you're a little kid, you only know three jobs, right?
There's, like, police officer, school teacher, and chef.
-Mission accomplished. -Except no.
I'm what they call a "prep cook."
And as Chef says,
we are barely one step above the janitorial staff and pedophiles.
Sounds like you gotta take your prep cook skills elsewhere.
-Mm. -Come on. If you build it, they will come.
-Trust me, I'd love to start my own thing. -What's stopping you?
I don't know, just any money at all, or brand reputation,
business plan, house specialty.
Oh, come on, you got a specialty.
Even my mom had a specialty.
-It was cornbread chicken pot pie. -Oh!
A woman after my own heart. Do you know the recipe?
No, I wish.
It was legendary.
I mean, people still talk about it.
I wish I, uh… I wish I could remember.
I'll bet your taste buds do.
[chuckles softly]
All right, the suspense is killing me. If you could put one thing on your menu,
what would it be?
You think I'm gonna share my culinary secrets with a stranger?
[Wes chuckles]
I'll tell you what, I'm here for two weeks.
Why don't we try to crack this SF nut together?
As fellow Texas expats,
I feel obligated to tell you that I am girl sober,
so I will not make out with you.
Even if you beg me, I won't do it. Scout's honor.
["Something Like This" by CIL playing]
[inaudible dialogue]
♪ Something about the day make me Wanna put it on the line, on the wire ♪
♪ All you need to bring is yourself Company's all that I require ♪
♪ I'm not naive for needing my baby ♪
♪ So, today, come on over And play 'cause ♪
♪ I've been patient ♪
♪ I've been waiting For something like this ♪
♪ Ooh-wee ♪
♪ Like this ♪
-♪ Ooh-wee ♪ -♪ Waiting for something like this ♪
-♪ Ooh-wee ♪ -♪ Waiting for something like ♪
♪ Baby, If you want me You know where to find me ♪
♪ I'll be ready for you, babe ♪
♪ Taste so sweet, it's like honey Dripping down my body, babe ♪
♪ I know that this bitch love Drive you crazy ♪
♪ So, today Won't you come out and play, 'cause ♪
♪ I've been patient ♪
♪ I've been waiting For something like this ♪
-♪ Ooh-wee ♪ -♪ Mmm ♪
♪ Like this ♪
-♪ Ooh-wee ♪ -♪ Waiting for something like ♪
♪ Ooh-wee ♪
♪ Like this ♪
[song ends]
I don't know what happened, Chef. I rolled it out last night,
and I put it in the fridge.
[Bastien] Apparently not.
-You've set us all back! -[Jill] We could grate it.
[man] Whoa.
Or…
It's… I accidentally froze my butter in culinary school,
and grating it made the dough even flakier.
-You're still talking? -[cooks laugh]
What is this? The Alpha Gamma prep girls?
[laughing]
-Right? -[Arthur] Michelin-star joke, Chef.
[Bastien] "It makes it extra flaky."
[cooks laughing]
Hey.
I never asked for your help.
[Wes] I sold the spot.
-You did? -Yeah.
What a star! We have to celebrate.
-After you. How was your day? -[Jill chuckles]
-Uh… -[passengers chattering]
[clears throat] Chef Bastien was feeling particularly evil.
He didn't use a single 'quat.
He literally poured them out into the trash can
while maintaining eye contact with me.
It was kumquat carnage.
He's hazing you, Jill.
[sighs]
I don't know if I'm built for this.
What, this Flâner gig?
This…
This dream.
Ignore me and my existential dread.
[chuckles]
It's your last day, and I am ready to giggle.
Welcome to Golden Gate Giggles.
[whoops]
I'm your tour guide, Walter,
and we're so glad you chose us, Golden Gate Giggles.
How about a joke?
Sure.
Why did the hipster refuse…
"Why did the hipster refuse to cross the Golden Gate Bridge?"
[both] Why?
Because it was too mainstream.
Pause for laughs.
[laughs]
-It's my first day today. -[microphone feedback squeals]
-Crushing it, Walter. -Let's start out with some funny facts.
Sure.
Ha!
San Francisco is where they invented blue jeans,
and the electric…
-I can't do this. -You're doing fine.
-Just take a deep breath. -I quit.
-[driver] You can't. We got 2 hours left. -[Walter] Let me off!
-Nope. Sit down and take a breath. -Open the door! [yells]
-[driver] I need this job! -Open the door!
-Let me off! -This is why I don't have kids.
Let me off!
[panting]
Hey, boss. We paid for giggles.
-Not my department. -[passengers groaning]
[woman] We gonna get a refund?
[passengers chattering indistinctly]
What are you doing?
[Wes] Uh…
Uh, what's up, guys?
I'm Wes.
So, where's everybody from?
-Uh, other than New Jersey. -[passengers chuckle]
Look, kid, you gotta sit down. Now.
Uh, I know. I'm sorry. I just… We came for giggles, right?
-Yeah. -[Wes] Let's get some giggles in here.
Uh, up ahead, we've got the world-famous…
squiggle street.
["San Francisco Blues" by Peggy Lee playing]
On your right, we have, uh, the house
where Robin Williams brought a donkey into the party in Mrs. Doubtfire.
[passengers exclaiming]
♪ Go to Fisherman's Wharf ♪
♪ Top of the Mark ♪
♪ Telegraph Hill ♪
♪ Golden Gate Park ♪
♪ Baby, baby, baby There's so much in this town… ♪
[Wes] Out in the bay, you see it? That is Alcatraz,
the famous prison that is known for hosting legendary criminals
like Al Capone and, um, Sean Connery.
[passengers laugh]
Okay, look, child, you're gonna have to sit down now or I will kick you off.
-Last thing. On your left… -[driver] Seriously?
…is the delectable Flâner. I don't want to embarrass her,
but we are actually in the presence
of one of San Francisco's most talented up-and-coming chefs.
She taught Chef Bastien everything he knows because she--
she is most definitely built for this.
-[driver] Okay, Romeo, show's over. -[passengers groan]
-I'm going. I just have one more thing. -I know you are. No, you don't.
-Let's go. And you're done. -♪ I left my heart ♪
-Off! Uh-huh. All right. -♪ In San Francisco ♪
I just need to finish!
-[man 1] ♪ High on a hill ♪ -Dude!
[all] ♪ She calls to me ♪
-Let go! -♪ When I come home to you ♪
-[driver] All right. Fine. -♪ San Francisco! ♪
♪ Your golden sun ♪
♪ Will shine ♪
♪ For me ♪
[passengers cheering]
[hopeful music playing]
[music turns dramatic]
I guess the scouts have no honor, huh?
It's a good thing I wasn't a Boy Scout.
-[man 1 whistles] -[passengers cheering]
[man 2] Yeah, all right!
[passengers cheering and whooping]
Ah, ta-da!
Blue crab and corn fritters with smoked jalapeño aioli.
-Wow. -Voilà!
-[Wes] This is insane. -Yay.
[Wes chuckles]
-What? -Is it good?
Are you kidding me? Chef Bastien is an idiot.
He is sitting on a gold mine.
How did you even learn how to do this?
Um…
["Either Way I Lose" by Meshell Ndegeocello playing over speakers]
My sister was stuck at home a lot as a kid.
She was really sick.
And the kitchen was our happy place.
We were like two little mad scientists.
-[laughs] -[chuckles]
We always thought we were on the verge of discovering something
the world had never seen.
-[laughs] -[chuckles]
♪ Either way I lose ♪
♪ Though I know… ♪
My sister…
Isabelle, she died.
In November. She had cystic fibrosis.
I'm so sorry, Jill.
She was just the love of my life. No big.
-I bet she's proud of you. -Uh…
I was much cooler as a kid. I peaked at like 12.
[both chuckle]
I would do the craziest shit just to come home with a story for her.
I would've tried crack if it made her laugh.
And now, I think I might be a little bit dead inside.
Jill…
you couldn't be less dead inside.
What you need to do
is you need to get out there
and try crack.
[laughs]
Come with me…
to Breeda and Andy's wedding.
Hm.
Okay. [laughs nervously]
-I'll ask my overlord. -[snickers]
All right.
Ready for the main course?
There's more?
-I… This was already so impressive. -Come on!
-How could you make more? I don't even… -[laughs]
-Shut up. -You can't top this.
Okay.
♪ Either way I lose… ♪
Is that chicken pot pie?
With cornbread crust.
You made this for me?
Yeah. I mean, I have no idea if it's anything like your mom's.
It was a full-blown experiment, but we will see.
All right.
[wistful music playing]
Uh…
I'm gonna go… Just… I'm gonna prep dessert, okay?
["Cherish You" by Mikky Ekko playing]
♪ Believe it ♪
♪ I need you by my side ♪
♪ Yes, I know you know ♪
♪ Know you know Know I've been a sinner, baby ♪
♪ I've seen it ♪
♪ I've seen you high and dry ♪
♪ Yes, I know you don't ♪
♪ Know you don't Know you don't need me to say it ♪
♪ But if anything happens between us Does everything change? ♪
[pots and pans clanking]
♪ I know you feel it too I can see it in your face ♪
♪ So tell me now not to get too close ♪
♪ 'Cause it always happens ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ How much longer can this go? ♪
♪ Oh, babe, don't break ♪
♪ Every single breath you take ♪
♪ Kills me softly, chills my body ♪
♪ But when we reach the limit ♪
-[song ends] -[dishes clattering]
-Sorry. -No. Sorry.
-Yeah… I just have to go to the bathroom. -Okay.
[thuds]
All right. You okay?
-Yep. -Okay.
-[Wes] Sorry. Uh… -Oh, no. Okay.
Okay.
[inhales, exhales]
Just say it. Just say the words.
Just say it.
Jill. Hey, Jill. I've been…
I've been getting your voicemails. I've been getting…
Oh, shit.
[exhales sharply]
[sighs]
[sniffs]
[inhales, exhales]
[door opens]
Jill.
Uh…
I, um…
[sucks through teeth]
No, it's okay.
It's totally okay.
Um…
Want to just watch Top Chef?
[woman on TV] I took a date-based ganache. I shaped it into a small sphere,
and I coated it in a cocoa-infused beignet dough before…
Jill, I've been getting your voicemails.
[man 1 on TV] I like the surprise in the middle. It's nice.
[man 2] I went with a bombolone-style donut.
I worked in fresh orange and lemon zest, fried it off,
and finished it with a passionfruit cream filling.
-[man 1] The texture's great. -[Wes sighs]
♪ Heaven help me ♪
♪ My mind changes like the wind ♪
["Waking Up Slow" by Gabrielle Aplin playing]
♪ Please excuse me ♪
♪ I don't know where to begin ♪
♪ But I didn't think I cared ♪
♪ I could be your friend ♪
♪ But I'm unprepared Oh, I've never felt like this ♪
♪ I was unaware ♪
♪ That you were lighting flares ♪
♪ Now I'm running scared Oh, how did it come to this? ♪
♪ You know I've never Been so lonely on my own ♪
♪ And it shows ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't see you like I used to ♪
♪ Now I'm going back On the things that I know ♪
♪ Oh, all my nights taste like gold ♪
♪ Yeah, when I'm with you It's like everything glows ♪
♪ And all my days, we can lay low ♪
♪ Yeah, when we're waking up We're waking up slow ♪
[song fades]
Dessert tacos.
Dessert tacos?
When Izzy was super sick, they tried to get her to eat,
and she'd throw everything up except her favorite.
Dessert tacos. And that is my specialty.
Magic: The Gathering.
The card game?
Actually, they're not just cards. They're actually collectible.
They're really valuable.
But, um, my mom, uh…
she would buy them for me,
and she bought me my first pack, and…
I just need the Alpha Black Lotus to complete the Power Nine.
It's one of the rarest cards in the world.
That's what I've been… working towards.
Wow.
And I think I may have found one on eBay.
-Really? -Yeah.
So…
I gotta confess, I was actually gonna ghost you
for not having the full… Power Nine.
-[chuckles] -So now I don't have to.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Okay, wow. Still in the game.
Still in the game.
I'll see you at home.
Yeah.
Safe flight.
Thanks.
[Andy and Breeda laughing]
[Wes] Last breath of freedom till you're chained for life.
-Hey! -Yay!
[cell phone ringing]
Oh! We are excited to meet Jill.
-[Breeda] Yeah, we are. -[ringing stops]
-Oh, no. -[groans]
I knew it.
What happened, Wes?
Nothing. Nothing.
-We're just hanging out. -[both groan]
All right, I admit that things have gotten a little intense.
Intense? You're the one that flew to another city for this girl.
No, I flew to another city for work.
-Oh, for work. -Oh, yes, of course.
-It was a work trip. -Work trip, and--
All I'm saying is once in a while, Wes,
someone comes along that changes the whole game.
Yeah, don't be so busy scoring that you miss it.
-[scoffs] -Wow.
-That was good. So good. -That was nice.
-[Breeda] Copyright that. -[Andy] Every single time.
Wait a minute. Wait. You didn't tell us what happened with the voicemails.
[groans]
-You didn't tell her? -O.M. God.
I'm going to.
-Liar, liar! -Guys, look.
Oh, my God, this is like a sick reboot of You've Got Mail.
Tom Hanks is America's sweetheart!
[in unison] You are not Tom Hanks!
I might slap him.
-Violence is never-- -[Breeda] Slap him.
-[Wes] Hey! Hey! -Wes, tell her the truth.
-I'm going to. -Okay? Yes.
-[in unison] Tell her the truth, Wes. -I will! In person.
I swear on my mom.
-[exhales] -[indistinct chatter]
[Wes sighs]
-Well, now we can't say anything. -Yeah.
[playing alluring melody]
[exhales, sniffs]
["Beige" by York Lore playing]
♪ I don't wanna see you smile ♪
♪ I want you in the morning ♪
♪ Before you go performing ♪
♪ Tell me something I don't know ♪
♪ And lead me to the place Where no one ever goes ♪
♪ You know you're beautiful ♪
♪ But that ain't half the gold treasure In your soul ♪
♪ What you got? 'Cause I want it all ♪
♪ With your fingers in my mouth I fail to see your faults ♪
♪ So please don't let me fall ♪
♪ Don't let me fall ♪
-[song fades] -[glass clinking]
Good evening, everyone. I'm Wes.
[cheering and whooping]
[whoops]
Andy's younger, dreamier cousin.
-Lies. -[Wes] If not by blood.
Our mothers were best friends.
And Breeda is the older sister that I never had.
[guests] Aww.
So I tried to warn 'em both that marriage is Russian roulette, okay?
-Should we go over the divorce rate? -[all] No.
Okay, suffice it to say, I wouldn't consider myself a romantic.
[woman] Aw.
[poignant music playing]
But, um…
did you know that these two weren't even supposed to meet?
Andy's alarm randomly didn't go off.
This man has never been late to anything in his entire life.
And he missed his dentist appointment. And he loves the dentist.
[guests laughing]
-It's true. -I do.
They made him wait for an hour, and he was about to walk out,
when Breeda walked in.
[man] Aww.
[Wes] If that alarm had gone off when it was supposed to,
these two would never have met, and we would not be here tonight.
[guests chattering softly]
I don't know about gambling on forever,
but I do know this.
You're proof
that sometimes
life rigs things in our favor.
[poignant music intensifies]
To Breeda and Andy.
Yeah!
You made a believer out of me.
[guests cheering and whistling]
-I am so proud of you. -Couldn't have done it without you, coach.
[Jill] That was beautiful.
-Your hands are so cold. -I know. [laughs]
-What? -[guests chattering]
Wait, let's warm you up.
Jeez.
["Ride the Storm" by Goldford playing over speakers]
Thanks.
-Can I top you off? -Yes, please.
Thanks.
-[Andy] There she is. -Oh, my God! Jill!
Oh, wow. I am so starstruck.
-Oh, my God! -[all laugh]
♪ We can ride the storm… ♪
Can I get one more and a whiskey on the rocks?
-Yes. -Thank you for being here. You're so cute.
-Congrats! -Enjoy. Thank you!
-[Breeda] Oh, my God. -[Andy] Look who decided to show up!
[line dialing]
[cell phone buzzing]
[dialing and buzzing continue]
♪ We can make it through it all ♪
♪ Go and show us what we really are ♪
[dramatic poignant music playing]
[gasps]
[breathing heavily]
-Oh, my God, are you okay? -I'm so sorry.
-Are you all right? -Sorry.
Jill! Hey, Jill! Jill, wait!
Why is my sister's number connected to your phone, Wes?
Okay, it's-- It's a crazy story.
I… I got a work phone,
and then I inherited your sister's phone number.
-What are you talking about? How? -After she died.
But my sister died in November.
So, you've been getting my…
voicemails this entire time?
I was going to tell you. I just… Things kept happening.
-And I-- -What did you hear?
Wes, what did you hear?
My bench?
You knew that I was gonna be at my bench.
You knew about José's, about my fantasy.
You knew about my sister. You knew everything?
You knew everything.
-Oh, my God, I'm gonna die. -Just… Jill.
-No. I knew it. -Jill.
-Hold on. -I knew that this was too good to be true.
-No, Jill. -It was too perfect, I was too happy.
And I'm not-- I'm not that lucky.
-I was gonna tell you. -Take this.
I promise. I…
I know how much you loved Isabelle, and--
No, you do not!
You wouldn't know anything about that.
You're right.
I don't.
You deserve someone that can love you like that, and…
I don't know how.
[laughs ruefully]
That's crazy.
So you heard all my voicemails,
and you still don't get it.
Those voicemails are not a plea to the universe,
"God, send me somebody to love me!"
I don't need a man.
[music fades]
What I need is my little sister back.
[poignant music playing]
[poignant music continues]
[Jill] Wait.
No, no, no, no.
No, that's…
[exhales sharply]
[sobs]
[sobbing] Please, no!
[sobbing]
-[music fades] -[sirens wailing distantly]
[Bastien] Mettez-vous en rang!
Line up!
Prep piggies.
[in unison] Yes, Chef!
The time has come to see which of you,
if any,
has what it takes to bake.
[inhales deeply]
Le soufflé.
-I just have a quick question-- -Begin!
[tense music playing]
Vingt et une minutes. "Twenty-one minutes."
[mouths] Fuck you.
[Bastien] Quatorze minutes.
"Fourteen minutes."
[tense music continues]
No.
Help me, brother. Pears, plums. Dragon fruit with chocolate?
Chocolate crème? That's boring. What would you do?
What would you do? [exhales]
[serene music playing]
Fruit…
of the gods.
Pistache. Pistache and…
Raspberry coulis.
Oh, my God, that's perfect.
[both gasp]
[Arthur] Oh!
Oh, so sorry. I didn't hear you say "corner,"
Kumquat.
[laughs]
["Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches playing]
[laughing]
Okay.
Oh!
♪ To you they crawl, body sprawl… ♪
One minute.
♪ Close call, stand tall Doll, you make them feel so small ♪
What in the world are you doing?
[laughing]
[Bastien] And three, two, one.
-Time! -[song ends]
Very good. Très bien.
[suspenseful music playing]
Le moment de vérité.
"The moment of truth."
Hm.
It's everything you've ever taught me, Chef.
Enjoy.
-You do me great honor. -[Arthur] Thank you, Chef.
[suspenseful music intensifies]
[inhales, exhales]
Yes.
[Jill] Soufflé pancakes with flambé kumquats,
cream chantilly, and ground pistachios, Chef.
[suspenseful music continues]
[Bastien] Being a baker is about precision.
Consistency.
Being a baker is not about desperate, frantic experimentation.
[laughing]
Congratulations, young man.
-Me? -[triumphant music plays]
-Me? What? -[cheering]
[Arthur laughing]
Yes!
Yeah!
[laughing hysterically]
This is a joke, right?
This is a funny little ha-ha, little hee-hee joke, no?
-No. -You barely tasted that.
And why might that be?
Maybe because…
Uh… no.
-It's raw? -[cooks gasp]
But you knew that, didn't you?
Did you also know that while you're busy out there,
pretending to be Timothée Chalamet,
he's been sticking pubes in tarts and butter in freezers?
And you know what? Did you ever consider
that the girl with the dead sister might be the one who wants to cry during sex?!
So, sugar tits, look at me.
I did not leave my home and my beautiful family
to waste this one wild and precious life
working for the goddamn Temu Gordon Ramsay.
You finished…
fourth on Top Chef!
-It was third! -[cooks gasp]
And you can drop the bad Lumière impression
because we all know that you're from Wisconsin.
And that your name…
No!
…is Gilbert!
It's actually Gilbert.
[Jill] Who's coming with me?
Who's coming with me?
[Jill breathing heavily]
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
[garage door opening]
[knocking on door]
-[Jill gasps] -[both] Surprise!
Oh, my God.
I went full Jilly Maguire.
You told 'em to come with you, didn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
No one came with you, did they?
No. No, they did not.
[both] Cowards.
Not really. Where are they supposed to come to?
I have nothing built.
I have nothing to offer anyone.
Maybe this isn't who I am anymore.
And I just need to accept it. I need to grow up.
It's time to grow up. It's time to get a job in accounting.
-Honey, you're not good at math. -So bad.
Maybe I'm good now.
I haven't counted in a long time.
Okay. Um…
We, uh, got something for you.
We found it in the garage.
[tender poignant music playing]
[laughs]
I feel like I'm letting her down.
Honey.
You are her hero.
Maybe her hero just wants to go back home.
Well, then your home will be waiting for you.
Always.
Sweetheart, there's, uh, something else in there.
[music fades]
[tender poignant music resumes]
What?
What is-- What is this?
Izzy's college fund.
No, I'm not… I can't take that.
It's not much, but we know she'd want you to have it.
You could use it to come back home, get a new apartment,
maybe a job in accounting.
Or you could use it to give 'em hell.
What would Izzy say?
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
["Show Me Love" by Robyn playing]
[chuckles]
♪ Always been Told that I've got too much pride ♪
♪ Too independent to have you by my side ♪
-[growls] -♪ But my heart said ♪
-No. -♪ All of you will see ♪
♪ Just won't live for someone ♪
-♪ Until he lives for me ♪ -[cries] I suck.
♪ Well, now I've found you ♪
-[groans] -♪ And I'll tell you no lie ♪
♪ This love I've got for you… ♪
Oh, my God.
-♪ Now show me love ♪ -♪ Show me love ♪
♪ Show me life ♪
♪ Baby, show me what it's all about ♪
[yelps]
-[growls] -♪ You're the one that I ever needed ♪
♪ Show me love and what it's all about ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ Show me love, show me life ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ Show me love and what it's all about ♪
♪ All right ♪
[song fades]
-[seagulls cawing] -[ship horn blows distantly]
Hi, sir. Are you interested in trying one of…
Hi.
[lilting music playing]
[thunder crashes]
-Wow. -Hi.
Hey.
Uh, can we get the Ube All Day nachos?
Yes. [laughs]
-[man] Thank you. -[music fades]
[gasps, screams]
Oh, my God!
Shit, it's on fire!
[yelling]
[screaming]
[yelling and screaming continue]
-[extinguisher thuds] -[man coughing]
[coughing]
[Jill] So sorry.
I can't make your dessert nachos…
anymore.
I hate you.
I'm so sorry.
You've taught her to hate.
-[poignant music playing] -[sobbing]
Stupid.
[knocking on door]
We're closed!
[pounding on door]
I said we're closed!
-Zella, what are you doing here? -Shit.
Short circuit?
-I guess. -[sighs]
Probably overloaded the battery.
Need to beef up the power system.
[exhales]
Why are you pre-making chips? Everything needs to be served hot.
Well, I don't have time to make fresh chips every single order.
Seems like you do.
Which brings me to why, in all that's holy,
are you parked in the Marina?
The Marina's pretty, and there's lots of joggers and--
Preppy tech bros and Karens and vegan Alo clones?
Everyone hates the Marina.
The Marina hates itself.
It's basically LA.
Let's pretend this little soft opening…
extra soft, flaccid opening never happened.
We move the truck to our grand reopening at Hippie Hill.
"We"?
You asked who was with you, right?
Yeah.
[hopeful music playing]
I'm with you, okay?
I'm with you.
Why?
You're good.
And so am I.
And if you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
[both laugh]
-[band playing "Lights"] -[crowd cheering]
♪ When the lights go down in the city ♪
[crowd whistling]
♪ And the sun shines on the bay ♪
♪ Ooh, I wanna be there in my city ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh! ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪
♪ Oh, oh, ah ♪
♪ When the lights go down in the city ♪
♪ And the sun shines on the bay ♪
♪ Ooh, I wanna be there in my city ♪
♪ Oh ♪
-♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ -[both cheering and laughing]
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
[song fades]
[Mom squealing]
-[Jill] Hi. -Jill.
-[Dad laughing] -[Mom] You're home.
Hi, honey.
[man 1] Yeah. Okay, perfect.
[man 2] Okay.
[wistful music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[Wes] Mm.
[music fades]
I ate. I just wanted to come say hi to you.
-Hi. -Hi.
How are you?
Will you talk to me?
We never see you anymore.
-Wes, you spend every night at José's. -[sighs]
-She's not at José's. -I know that.
-Do you know that? -I… know that.
I just love José's.
No one loves José's that much.
José doesn't love José's that much.
I love José's that much.
Jill's doing really well. If it helps.
-She got a food truck. -How do you know?
Obviously, I follow her on Instagram. She's adorable.
[sighs]
You don't ever peek?
I think she's had enough of me peeking into her life.
[sighs]
Yeah.
I hope she got her voicemails back.
What?
[poignant music playing]
She posted about losing all of her voicemails from Isabelle.
It was a while ago.
She was asking if anyone knew how to recover them.
[Felix] Voicemails?
-They're encrypted. -[music fades]
Probably already wiped.
Even if they're not, you'd have to hack into a telecom server,
which is how you end up on a watch list.
Why don't you try getting your sales the old-fashioned way, Wes? By selling.
[employees chattering indistinctly]
No, Felix, it's not for a sale, man.
It's for a girl.
And I did everything wrong.
But this feels like one thing…
I don't know, maybe the only thing that I can do right.
[pensive music playing]
Magic: The Gathering?
What do you think I am? A loser?
That, Felix, is an Alpha Edition Black Lotus card.
That's the most valuable thing I own.
If anyone can do this, it's you.
[music turns poignant]
Wes!
Maybe you should just… call her?
No. She wouldn't answer.
Then…
leave her a voicemail.
["New Year's Day" by Taylor Swift playing over speakers]
♪ There's glitter on the floor After the party… ♪
[inhales, exhales deeply]
[line dialing]
♪ Candle wax and Polaroids On the hardwood floor… ♪
[on recording] You've reached Jill, and you know the drill.
Hey, Jill. Uh, it's Wes.
Been a minute.
Um…
I saw your food truck is popping off.
I'm so proud of you.
I… If I can say that. Um…
I just…
I wanted to let you know that, uh, I got a new work number,
so you can continue to leave voicemails.
Um, I paid for the line to the end of next year.
And I can extend it longer too.
Um, as long as you want.
And no one will be listening.
Just Izzy.
♪ I want your midnights… ♪
You probably have plans tonight, um,
but I was thinking of ringing in the New Year at José's.
You know, who needs a midnight kiss when you can smash a taco? Am I right?
That, um…
Sorry, that sounded better in my head. Uh…
[inhales]
I don't even know if you're in town.
So, um…
Happy New Year, Jill.
[door opens]
-[sighs] -[door closes]
-[Andy] Intervention. -What?
-Intervention! -What are you--
-You stood us up! Again. -Mm-hm!
No cousin of mine is spending New Year's alone, crying to Taylor Swift.
I don't cry to Taylor Swift.
-The whole block can hear! -They're complaining again.
-Okay, well, I have plans tonight, so… -No more tacos!
Yes, tacos!
I miss the old Wes!
I'm sorry. The old Wes can't come to the phone right now.
-Why? Oh… -Oh, no. Don't you dare.
-Because he's dead. -Get your ass in the shower!
My God, you need a shower. We are going to the party.
-No! -Yes!
[both grunting]
Okay. Very mature.
[Wes] No!
[Wes and Andy gasping]
I'm Postmating champagne.
-[Andy] Very nice. -[Wes] Wait.
Look what you made me do!
[Wes on recording] I was thinking of ringing in the New Year at José's.
You know, who needs a midnight kiss when you can smash a taco? Am I right?
What?
Thirty minutes.
Whoo!
[both] Whoo.
["To Build A Home" by The Cinematic Orchestra playing]
What was it about her, Wes?
[music fades]
[people cheering distantly]
She had no filter to speak of.
-[Breeda chuckles softly] -[chuckles] Hm.
Her cheeks were always full of food,
like a…
sexy chipmunk.
[laughs]
And…
-Do you guys know what a kumquat is? -Nope.
A small citrus fruit native to Southeast Asia.
Yeah.
That was weird.
And her laugh.
["To Build A Home" resumes]
It was, um…
Yeah.
I am broken.
And she was the dream.
Have you told her that?
She is home for the holidays.
No, it's too late.
You said it, Breeds, like, she's not there.
Why would she be? She…
I don't deserve that.
Maybe sometimes life rigs things in our favor.
[music turns hopeful]
[cell phone chiming]
What?
[music intensifies]
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
[gasps]
-[Izzy on recording] Hello? -[gasps]
Hello? I think I have the wrong number.
I'm trying to reach my big brother, Jill,
who has an interview today. Maybe you've heard of her?
My brother, Jill, who macked on Colin Corwin then whupped his ass.
My brother that is the hottest, bravest, baddest bitch on the block.
Condoms wear her for protection.
"Simba, remember who you are."
-That was not my best. [laughs] -[laughs]
-[Izzy exhales] -[sobbing softly]
I've got a good feeling about this one, Jilly.
[sniffles]
It's okay if you're scared. I'm right there with you.
You feel that?
That's me, brother.
Get out there.
[thunder rumbles distantly]
This is the part where you run, Wes.
["Beautiful Things" by Benson Boone playing]
-[Andy] Run! -You have 15 minutes.
-Okay. Run? -[Breeda] Now. Go.
-I should go? -[Andy] Yes, go.
♪ Don't take ♪
-Love you. -Oh, there he goes.
♪ These beautiful things that I've got ♪
♪ Please stay ♪
♪ I want you, I need you, oh, God ♪
♪ Don't take ♪
♪ These beautiful things that I've got… ♪
[horn honking]
-Oh, shit! Whoa! -[tires screeching]
[man] Get out of the street!
-♪ These beautiful things that I've got ♪ -[fireworks exploding]
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Please stay ♪
[man speaks in Spanish]
[Wes] Sorry!
Just-- Just looking for somebody. I'll just be one second.
♪ These beautiful things that I've got ♪
-[song ends] -[suspenseful music playing]
[music turns tender]
-Hi. -Wait. Jill. Um…
I gotta tell you something.
I love you.
In a very uncool, desperate, all-consuming kind of way.
But it wasn't from the moment that I saw you.
It was… before then.
And…
I'm scared.
And I…
I don't really have the tools for this. But…
you make me feel brave.
You make me feel everything.
I know that you don't need a man, Jill.
But I sure as hell need you.
[dramatic ethereal music playing]
That was good. Really good.
-Are you sure? -Yeah.
[laughs]
-I feel like Meg Ryan. -Mm.
Well, then that would make me Tom--
-[speaking Spanish] -Oh, sorry!
I told you, I said I was leaving. Okay.
-[speaking Spanish] -Yeah, yeah, yeah!
-Lo siento. -Thank you.
["New Touch" by Caveboy playing over speakers]
Hello.
Oh, sorry. Just give me one sec.
I'm gonna go take my break, okay?
-Do it up. -Okay.
Next.
[families chattering]
[automated voice] Your call has been forwarded to voicemail.
Hey, Isabelle.
[poignant music playing]
This is Wes.
I wanted to ask for your blessing.
I'm gonna ask Jill to move in with me.
Or here, so…
I mean, I guess I'm actually gonna ask if I can move to her.
Um…
I know that I can never replace you, but…
I promise to watch every episode of Top Chef.
Even after I've seen 'em all.
And, yes, I promise to partake in all the Robyn dance parties.
I am…
sorry I never got to meet you.
I always wanted a little sister.
So if there's any way that you could just, like, give me a sign.
Hey, Izz.
I'll be really quick.
I'll let you get back to margaritas with Grandpa and Elvis, but I…
I just wanted to let you know that this is my last voicemail.
And I wanted to tell you not to worry about me, okay?
I'm gonna be all right.
This Wes kid…
I think he's a bird like us.
I mean, he can't fry an egg,
and he acts all cool,
but he's actually a Magic: The Gathering nerd.
[laughs]
And he says that he can't dance. I… I'm working on it.
But yeah, I just wanted to call and say that…
["Dancing on My Own" playing over speakers]
Oh, my God.
[volume increases]
Oh, my God, Izz, it's our song. It's Robyn! It's Robyn!
Like a dove with a sign that says, "Yes, Wes."
-It's Robyn! -Ooh-- I gotta go.
-[screams] It's Robyn! -[laughs]
Bitch really loves Robyn.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I'm right over here Why can't you see me? ♪
♪ Oh ♪
Well played.
♪ I'm giving it my all ♪
♪ But I'm not the girl You're takin' home ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪
You ready?
♪ Dancing on my own ♪
♪ So far away, but still so near ♪
♪ The lights go on, the music dies ♪
♪ But you don't see me standing here ♪
I love you, Isabelle.
♪ I just came to say goodbye ♪
♪ I'm in the corner Watchin' you kiss her ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I'm giving it my all ♪
♪ But I'm not the girl You're takin' home ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪
♪ I'm in the corner Watchin' you kiss her ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I'm right over here Why can't you see me? ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I'm giving it my all But I'm not the girl you're takin' home ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪
[song fades]
[lively electronic pop music playing]
[music fades]
[poignant music playing]
[wistful music playing]
[ethereal music playing]
[poignant music playing]
[music turns hopeful]
[music fades]